Game of War Fire Age has been thrust in my face constantly these past few weeks. After many views of the advert, I hoped that Kate Upton’s cleavage isn’t the only thing Machine Zone Inc. can offer. Having finally succumbed to the constant bombardment of Game of War’s horribly acted adverts, I haven’t been impressed in the slightest with what I have downloaded.
Platform Used For Game of War Fire Age Review: iPad 2
Developer: Machine Zone Inc.
Genre: Strategy/City Builder
Price: Free with in-app purchases
Rating: 
As I wait for one of the 68 upgrades I have been forced to undertake for the sake of quest completion to finish, I find myself wondering what in the hell I was thinking giving this game a chance.
I promised myself I would give this game a few hours before I completely passed judgement, but have very nearly reached my limit after mere minutes. However, I will perservere.
Kate Upton as Athena… I think?
For the first few hours of the game, you are taken by the hand and fed very short, uninspired tutorials of how to build, research and upgrade your city. Your tutor comes in the guise of a cartoonised version of Kate Upton in a billowing white dress that hasn’t quite been crafted to suit her chest. Despite the ample amount of cleavage to keep any male gamer satiated, the upgrade after upgrade quests start to make you feel like somewhere out there, a very rich person is laughing at you whilst rolling around in a pile of in-app purchase profits. Thus rendering any sight of animated or real Kate Upton’s cleavage sadly unappreciated.
I’m Waiting…
To offset the waiting times of building and upgrading your city, you have the choice of joining an ‘alliance’ where you can ask for help to speed up to the progress. You can only receive a certain amount of help from other players before either having to wait for the remaining minutes to tick down, or spend premium currency to speed up the progress bar.
Mindlessly tapping your screen to upgrade farms, quarries, hospitals or speeding up progress bars is accompanied by sound effects that are more annoying than the Crazy Frog song. In general, sound effects found in Game of War cheapen the already free experience to the point of having to mute your device in order to maintain your sanity.
The advert that launched a thousand downloads.
Growing increasingly bored of tapping crudely drawn buildings, I discarded the shield provided to me and embarked on my first attack on another city. My army consisted of 20 swordsmen and 30 slingers, plus my weirdly animated buxom warrioress. The battle consisted of me dragging a slider, presented to me via a dull pop-up screen, to indicate how many of my troops I wanted to employ for the fight and then clicking the commence button. Another timer… After about a minute, the town I raided was on fire and my troops returned. The town continued to stay on fire so I attacked it again. Same process: drag the slider, click the attack button and wait. Nowhere did the game inform me as to what happened during this fight. No stories of battle, no statistics, just a town on fire. No idea what just happened. But I guess I won.
Epic Raids? If only
Apparently a terminator version of King Leonidas is in this game.
Next I tried my hand at tackling a cerberus after speeding up the appropriate monster hunting research for an extortionate 130 premium currency. This time it was my hero sent out to attack. The battle was soon decided and Agathe, my hero, was victorious. Rewards came popping out of the cerberus in the form of rapid, bland text pop-ups. I have no further interest in declaring war on anything in this game.
The graphics of the game resemble something you would have seen on a Sega Mega Drive but sharpened around the edges. Buildings and landscapes are uninspired with terribly bland colours.
What can I expect from a free strategy game you ask? Well for starters I would expect a game that you can actually play after the tutorial rather than tapping the screen over and over again in the same process like a drone that has solely been programmed to extend a finger towards a screen with a certain amount of pressure and back again.
Score
1 star – avoid this game
Pluses:
- Good tapping exercise.
- There is cleavage in the adverts.
Minuses:
- Exploitation of Kate Upton to gain interest.
- Sound effects are incredibly grating on your ear drums and soul.
- Graphics are sorely lacking in every aspect.
- Gameplay consists of tapping mindlessly without gain.
- Declaring war on anything lacks any substance whatsoever.
[schema type=”review” url=”https://itunes.apple.com/au/app/game-of-war-fire-age/id667728512?mt=8&uo=4&at=11l32yZ” name=”Download Game of War: Fire Age” description=”As I wait for one of the 68 upgrades I have been forced to undertake for the sake of quest completion to finish, I find myself wondering what in the hell I was thinking giving this game a chance.” rev_name=”Game of War: Fire Age Review” rev_body=”What can I expect from a free strategy game you ask? Well for starters I would expect a game that you can actually play after the tutorial rather than tapping the screen over and over again in the same process like a drone that has solely been programmed to extend a finger towards a screen with a certain amount of pressure and back again.” author=”GameReviews AU” pubdate=”2015-09-03″ user_review=”1″ min_review=”1″ max_review=”5″ ]